Kenpachi VS Everyone
by ObssesiveOutlet
Summary: A maybe? series of oneshots of Kenpachi fighting pretty much everything that breaths. Crossover battles. I'll do requests! Blood, Gore, and Language. R&R, please.
1. AnythingGoes Style

**This is a One-shot idea that I got, and couldn't get rid of. If I get enough requests, I might make more. Please review!**

Kenpachi Zaraki was a dangerous man. This much was obvious to the uncomfortable passerby who didn't notice him in time to cross the street before passing him, as well as the more attentive pedestrians who cut across traffic to avoid him. True, the small, pink haired child sitting on his shoulder and giggling seemed completely unafraid of the warrior, but then again, she was as eager to watch him fight as he was to simply fight. Their roles had long ago been defined; he was actor, and she was audience.

There were subtle hints to his dangerous nature. The almost eager look in his eye as he estimated the fighting capabilities of passerby with practiced skill, the slight, but noticeable scent of stale blood as one walked by, and the way he almost seemed to radiate blood-lust. Then again, it may have been the blood stains on his haori and the sword on his hip that gave him away. Almost everything about the man seemed to scream "War".

Ranma Saotome had been hoping sincerely to pass by the obviously bloodthirsty man, who's battle aura seemed to be turning the mild afternoon weather into a drought, but Ryoga simply couldn't have worse timing. _If there was ever a time that I needed that idiot to be lost... _he thought. But the surprise attack came without warning, as they most often do. Ranma decided he'd risk a potentially fatal fight over the humiliation of being caught off guard.

The martial artist nimbly flipped backwards in the air, avoiding Ryoga's attempt at subtlety. Ranma lashed out about twenty times with his foot, faster than the human eye could see. But the two shinigami across the street saw every detail. Ryoga turned, pained by the blows, but still itching for a fight. But before he could so much as move, the man across the street had his sword out and was charging Ranma. Ranma narrowly avoided the saw-like blade, and when the wall behind him split open, he knew how much danger the already gathering crowd was in.

"Wait!" Ranma cried out, causing Kenpachi to stop in mid swing. "What?" he asked, scowling in annoyance. "I won't be any match for you if you don't let me get a sword!" Ranma quickly said, mentally patting himself for coming up with something so fast. Kenpachi huffed in irritation. "Fine. Go get yourself a sword, but be quick about it. Otherwise, we're fighting, sword or not."

Ranma huffed. He'd had to run all over town before he finally got his hands on a sword. Now he was waiting somewhat away from the city, in a clearing that he hoped would prevent a crowd from gathering. His opponent was nowhere to be seen. _Maybe I lucked out, _he thought. _Maybe this guy forgot all about me and started terrorizing someone else. Like Happosai. Oh, god, I would pay money to see that._ He stood up. Then sat back down. After a while he did some push ups with his sword hand. Right when he was ready to leave, a voice came from behind him. "Sorry for the wait, kid."

"My name," the man began, "is Kenpachi Zaraki. If you survive, you'd do well to remember that." Ranma blinked. The thought that this guy would actually introduce himself was pretty damn polite, for someone who looked like a murderer. "I-I'm Ranma Saotome." he replied. Kenpachi grinned. "Well, Ranma, you might want to draw your weapon." and with that, he attacked.

Kenpachi Zaraki saw it as an even fight. Being in the living world meant that stupid limiter was on him. And the eye-patch had the same effect. He was down to some low percent of his power. He didn't remember the exact number, but it was single-digit. That was low.

Ranma Saotome, on the other hand, wanted to cry. And piss himself. And maybe turn into a girl. Because this guy was unmistakeably two things; the first being the greatest fighter Ranma had ever faced, and he had faced a LOT of fighters. The second, being that this man was absolutely bat-shit INSANE. He had laughed and congratulated Ranma the first time he drew blood! The man belonged in an asylum, with half-meter thick cement walls.

Yachiru Kusajishi, though, was planning what kind of victory candy she should have. Yeah, maybe Kenny was the one fighting, and she was just on his back, cheering him on. But she liked candy, darnit!

"HOLY SHIT!" Ranma cried, barely avoiding being decapitated. _This is insane!_ he thought._ I'm out of here! I don't care! This guy's simply too much! _

Kenpachi frowned when his opponent turned and ran. He thought he had picked someone with balls to fight this time, not some chicken-shit coward. Sighing, he started running after him. No point in delaying the fight too long.

Ranma gasped for breath. He had ran so far, and stopped when he had come across a wide river. There was no way he would risk weakening himself by turning into a girl. "So you ran this far, but can't swim?" he heard, and he whirled around in fear, sword in hand. Kenpachi continued. "Can't say I'm complaining. I don't like chasing down cowards." he began to walk towards Ranma. Ranma gulped, but then tried his best to calm himself. If he could just stay perfectly calm...

Kenpachi lunged. Ranma dodged, leading Zaraki in a clockwise rotation. If he could use the dragon of the heavens blast... he neared the center of the rotation. Timing it absolutely perfectly, he twisted his hand up in an uppercut that sent the larger warrior flying with a flash of light. "Hiyryu Shoten Ha!" he shouted, thankful for the tide-turning technique. But his blood ran cold when Kenpachi stood back up.

Ranma had to think fast. There was no way he could win. He had been too stubborn to tell anyone else where he was going, so it was likely that nobody would even know he had died out here. He only had one chance. In a fit of desperation, he threw his sword as hard as he could at the monster of a swordsman. Kenpachi was surprised-nobody had ever thrown their sword at him before. The handle smacked into his exposed eye, causing him to blink for several moments. Ranma Jumped into the water, and swam to the other side. Pulling himself out, he looked down. His clothes were too big for him, and his jet-black hair had turned cherry-red. He had reverted to his female form, in a single, potentially final attempt of survival.

Kenpachi rubbed his eye, then looked around. The sneaky brat was gone, and across the river was a redheaded girl. Kenpachi might have flirted with her had she been older- and had Yachiru been absent. "Hey!" he called out, and the girl turned to him. "Did you see where my opponent went?" he asked, seeing no sign of the martial artist. "Sorry!" she replied, "I didn't see where he went! He just seemed to vanish!" Kenpachi grumbled to himself, then thanked the girl for her time. He returned to soul society without picking any other fights. _Maybe someday that kid will end up here,_ he thought. _Hopefully then we can have a better fight- and maybe bring him into the squad._

Yachiru ate much candy and chocolate that night in celebration, even though the fight didn't get finished._  
_


	2. The Bird of Hermes

**Hello, all! I decided to write another chapter of Kenpachi vs. Everyone, because, hell. I wanted to. So, please sit back, relax, and enjoy the magical tale of Kenpachi VS. Alucard. (from Hellsing, not Castlevania.)**

Kenpachi looked around. It was near midnight, and he had sent Yachiru to bed long ago. But something had woken him up. A strong scent wafted through the air, similar to his own. It was the scent of blood, and it invaded his nostrils and quickened his pulse. This much blood... there must have been a battle nearby. He would be downright _offended_ if he got there and the combatants had all killed each other, seeing as he had gotten up in such a hurry he hadn't even bothered to spike his hair.

Alucard inhaled deeply. There was blood everywhere. The scent was overpowering, and yet he wanted more. Ever since he had turned the police girl, vampire activity had tripled. It was wonderful to have missions like this, where he got to take on groups of vampires that actually put up a fight. He smelled something else, though... among the fresh blood, the scent of stale blood was unwelcome. He turned, facing the source. A lone man, holding a sword that looked as if it had seen as many battles as he had, (which was really saying something) stood before him. His black hair lay flat, with bells tied to the ends. He grinned as if he had just found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. "Oh? And who might you be?"

Kenpachi grinned even wider. He was terrible at sensing reiatsu, but this guy had some serious power behind him. He pulled out his sword, then answered the mans question. "My name is Kenpachi Zaraki. And if this," he motioned to the bloody battlefield, "is your handiwork, then I'm gonna have to be your opponent."

Alucard grinned as wide as Kenpachi. "Oh, really? Well then, I suppose it's only polite to tell you who you face. I am the Nosferatu Alucard, King of Vampires!" He responded, Drawing both of his massive handguns. "Don't die too fast, I'd really rather enjoy this." Kenpachi laughed, and replied "That's my line, buddy! I have a feeling this is gonna be fun!"

Kenpachi charged at Alucard at speeds beyond any human. Alucard fired three shots from the Casull, and was genuinely surprised when Kenpachi avoided one shot and deflected the other two with his sword. Kenpachi's first swing missed, but he caught Alucard's face on the second stroke, cutting off the goggles and his hat, and drawing a thin red line up the No-life king's features. Alucard aimed again, and fired the Jackal at Kenpachi's head. Kenpachi moved back faster than expected, dodging the bullet and bringing his arm around with a third slice that cut off Alucard's right hand.

Alucard stood still, and glanced at his hand on the floor. The Jackal was still in it's grip, and hadn't discharged accidentally when it hit the ground. He had gauged from that single swing how powerful Kenpachi was, and knew that once he began using his regeneration techniques, he would win easily. He brought up the Casull and fired, but his opponent had anticipated the move, and the saw-like sword collided with his gun. He spun and aimed again, but Zaraki had closed the distance.

Kenpachi swung, cutting Alucard in half at the waist. He waited a second to see if there was any life left in him, but the corpse was still. He sighed, and turned to leave, when a voice behind him said "Are you finished already?" Kenpachi turned, insane grin having snapped back onto his face. Alucard stood before him, regenerated to his full glory. The Vampire fired the remaining ammo at Kenpachi, who blocked or avoided most shots, but took a few of the non-fatal ones. His strong body reduced what would be enormous bullet holes into what he considered minor wounds, barely a millimeter thicker than the bullets.

Alucard dropped the spent magazines to the ground, and reloaded his guns. "Are you surprised, Kenpachi Zaraki?" he asked. Kenpachi chuckled, and responded "Surprised? You just made me the Happiest fucking man in the world! Against you, I think it's alright if I go full strength. The old man may not like me releasing the limiter without permission, but I'll just say it was some kind of powerful Hollow." With that, he pulled off his eye patch, and a column of gold energy erupted from him.

Alucard whistled. This was some serious power. He focused his mind's eye on Zaraki, and Telepathically sent the image to his master. Hearing her approval in his head, he grinned, and released his powers to level 1. To his joy, Kenpachi did a similar release, and grew even more powerful, putting them on almost equal footing. He couldn't tell who was more powerful, and he couldn't wait to find out.

Bullets pinged off of Kenpachi's spiritual barrier. At this point, the guns were useless. Alucard evaporated into a dark mist, a mere moment before Kenpachi would have cleaved his head off... again. Alucard reformed himself behind Zaraki, having changed form from his usual guise to his original appearance. Drawing his sword, he charged Kenpachi, and their blades collided with a spark. They sliced at each other, and Alucard's vampiric strength did what his bullets hadn't, a gash forming on Kenpachi's shoulder. Alucard, however, had been more seriously wounded, and his breastplate fell to the ground, broken. His arm fell to the ground, but evaporated to mist and regenerated even as Alucard and Kenpachi attacked again.

They went back and forth, attacking relentlessly, until it was nearly dawn. Alucard had sustained the heavier wounds, but he always regenerated. Kenpachi, on the other hand, had been hit with multiple light wounds, but was losing strength and blood. Alucard looked at the horizon, and frowned. The sky was getting brighter, and the sun would be up soon. He had to get to the Hellsing manor before the sun was up, or Integra would lecture him again. She never let him stay out late.

"Kenpachi Zaraki," he said. "I am afraid that our fight must end for now. However, the next time you're in England... Find the Hellsing manor. We can continue there." Kenpachi looked at the brightening sky, then nodded. "Creature of the night, huh? I'll remember that. Might just bring my squad. We'll throw a barbecue." Alucard grinned. "Battle and barbecue... sounds great. Seras will love it."

And so, with the sun rising, the Man and the Monster went their separate ways.


	3. In the Eyes of the Ranger

**Hello again, everyone! I still have yet to obtain any reviews. Sonofabitch. However, a friend of mine requested that I write this fight, and I aim to please. Sorry if this chapter is short, but it's how I envision the fight going. Give it some credit, most people would have died after the first sentence. So, read and review.**

Kenpachi Zaraki pulled off his eye patch. There was no way he was going to half ass this fight. This man was clearly the most powerful opponent he would ever face. His sword was trembling with some emotion he had not felt in a while. Hope, Excitement, and even a bit of Fear. He did what few could bear to do, and looked his opponent in the eye.

Kenpachi didn't see the first move. But he felt it- it sent him flying through the wall, and the wall behind that. All his opponent had done was flexed, but he was sent flying. He grinned. This was going to be great.

Kenpachi swung, again and again. His blade didn't even scratch his opponent. He couldn't do anything- for the first, and only, time in his life; Kenpachi Zaraki was powerless. A boot connected with his stomach, and Kenpachi was once again flung through the air. He came to rest some fifty meters away, but his opponent was still right in front of him. Kenpachi tried to stand once more, but his internal organs had been liquefied from the force of the kick, and blood spewed from his mouth as he fell to the ground, defeated.

Chuck Norris walked away, and as he left, he said one thing.

"Not bad, son."


End file.
